Welcome to Sacred Fools Theater Company, est. 1997

THE BORING ASTRONAUT
written by French Stewart
directed by French Stewart (eps. 1-11)
 & Julia Griswold (eps. 7-14)
technical direction by Suze Campagna

There's not enough space.

15 Episodes
Original Run: 11 Eps, 11/15/14 - 3/7/1
5
Playoffs Run: 4 Eps, 4/4/15, 4/18/15 - 5/2/15

EPISODE ONE (11/15/14)

SUMMARY:  Mike is a highly trained astronaut who is going on the first moon mission since 1972, a very prestigious and high-profile assignment that will make him a national hero.  However, he's horrified to find that to get the public interested, he will be accompanied by Brian, a complete moron who won his spot on the mission in a radio contest.  Not a contest to build a radio... a morning drivetime radio show contest where the pudding-headed and very annoying Brian was the 13th caller.

Photos by Marian Gonzalez

EPISODE TWO (11/22/14)

SUMMARY:  Project head Gene insists that Mike do something about his wife, Karen, who Gene thinks is crazy and will garner negative publicity for the moon mission with her unstable behavior.  Mike calls her as she's about to sing some karaoke.  She is clearly kind of emotionally unstable, but really, she just doesn't want her husband to leave.  As she sings "Blackhole Sun," Mike forcefully tells Gene never to talk about his wife like that again.  "Don't go," implores Karen.

Photos by Marian Gonzalez

EPISODE THREE (12/6/14)

SUMMARY:  Brian stinks up the cabin by microwaving a fish sandwich, much to Mike's ire.  He then takes a call from his girl, the ebullient Tammy, who is also his cousin.  And his sister.  And a hermaphrodite (her almost-functional "nubbin" is her "secret treasure").  Mike insults them, but Brian admits he's terrified of them impending mission.  He thought he was winning Eddie Money tickets on the radio.  Also, he actually microwaved TWO fish sandwiches... one for Mike.  Mike, chastened by Brian's thoughtfulness and moved by his sudden vulnerability, apologizes for his comments about Tammy.  As an Eddie Money song comes on the radio, Brian and Tammy imagine themselves together.

Photos by Aaron Francis

EPISODE FOUR (12/13/14)

SUMMARY:  Mike's getting annoyed with Brian again, and is then unexpectedly visited in the capsule by Meatloaf and the ghost of Eddie Money, though it turns out that Eddie Money is, in fact, actually alive.  Nothing quite seems to be making sense.  Mike calls his wife Karen... who tells him he's having a stroke.  As Mike's dialogue dissolves into word salad, Karen tells Mike she's sending him her "heart part."  A naked angel arrives and puts her hands on Mike and Karen's hearts, joining them so he can feel his wife's love.  She begs him to come home to Baltimore, where she can take care of him.

Photos by Scott Golden

EPISODE FIVE (1/24/15)

SUMMARY:  Mike's stroke turns his speech into word salad, though he insists as clearly as he can manage that he's fine. An exhausted Gene goes to Denny's for breakfast, where he is rude to Donna, the waiter.  Gene grouses about his problems, but Donna couldn't care less.  The two get into an argument; she thinks he's a "NASA choad" who is wasting money that could be spent on the poor, but Gene, who is being even more abrasively rude than usual, thinks giving the poor money is a waste because they'll just lose it all, and points out all the benefits and advances that space travel has made possible.  However, it's Christmas, and Gene finally softens when Donna says it's her birthday.  She's working on her birthday, on Christmas, while some aging babysitter, a stranger, takes care of her learning-disabled son.   Life's given her the sort end of the stick and she feels like she doesn't matter as a human being.  Gene says it's his birthday too, and he'd come there to get a free breakfast.  Donna brings them each a slice of birthday cake, and as the two unexpectedly bond, the Naked Angel arrives.  As she places her hands on each of their hearts, they kiss.

Photos by Marian Gonzalez

EPISODE SIX (1/31/15)

SUMMARY:  It's almost time for the launch, but first Mike and Brian must meet with President Obama for a televised address.  Gene is worried about the astronauts embarrassing NASA on live television - Brian for obvious reasons, and Mike because although he seems recovered from his stroke (which Mike insists was a panic attack), there's a danger of a relapse.  The President gives an inspiring speech, then comes to meet the astronauts... and it is Mike who makes the faux pas, lapsing into stroke-victim scrambled speech that seems insulting to the President.  Finally, it's time for lift off, and despite all the misgivings, Mike and Brian are headed for the moon.

Photos by Scott Golden

EPISODE SEVEN (2/7/15)

SUMMARY:  While Mike and Brian imagine better times at home in the arms of Karen and Tammy, Donna and Gene try to comfort Donna's learning disabled son, Chucky, a gentle giant who simply rocks back and forth, not looking anybody in the eye, his hands clutching the air spasmodically when they're not being held by Donna and Gene.  Elsewhere, the Naked Angel is slowly dressed in an elegant outfit by another Naked Angel, and the ensemble is topped with a tiara.  But no sooner is the tiara placed upon her head than a signal is heard.  She is quickly stripped again of everything but the tiara, and both Angels appear to Chucky, now alone in his room, and put their hands on his heart.  Chucky is suddenly calmed; a new light appears in his previously dead eyes, and he stands and strides from the room with new confidence.

Gene and Donna try to comfort learning-disabled Chucky (Abraham Benrubi). Brian and Tammy hold each other tight. Mike and Karen in a tender moment at home. Mike and Karen in a tender moment at home.

Photos by Scott Golden

EPISODE EIGHT (2/14/15)

SUMMARY:  Karen and Tammy are somehow aboard the capsule.  Brian and Tammy make out while Karen plays sax.  And then Brian asks Mike to make out.  Mike refuses, hurting Brian's feelings.  Mike calls Gene to complain, but Gene doesn't seem to think Mike should have an issue with this.  Suddenly Mike realizes that he's had another stroke and is hallucinating... and Karen tells him that if he kisses Brian, he's really kissing her.  "Kiss me, hugby," she pleads.  The Naked Angels arrive - and Mike finds himself drawn to Brian, with whom he begins passionately making out.

Photos by Marian Gonzalez

EPISODE NINE (2/21/15)

SUMMARY:  It's time for an HR review, though Brian isn't available as he's on a space walk... well, okay, he's actually uncontrollably shitting his pants.  Before they can get started, legendary early astronaut Major JD "Bobcat" Ketchum has more than a few words to say about his heyday... and some other random, inappropriate trivia from his long and storied life.  When the review finally begins, NASA's HR rep, Sheldon Kemp, is rude and dismissive, prompting Mike and Gene to vigorously defend Brian.

Photos by Aaron Francis

EPISODE TEN (2/28/15)

SUMMARY:  Karen, Tammy and Donna hang out, talking about the things they love about their men, while Major Ketchum passes unwarranted judgment on them.  Chucky has been transformed by his encounter with the Naked Angels, both his mind and his heart expanded a thousandfold - a multitalented genius (he prepares everyone a gourmet meal) who loves everyone in his life with an intense richness.  And that love extends to 99 seat theater.  (For more information on that, visit ilove99.org.)

Photos by Marian Gonzalez

EPISODE ELEVEN (3/7/15)

SUMMARY:  President Obama makes a speech about how even "goobers" can accomplish great things, after which Mike awakens to find that Brian has given him an unwanted makeover by shaving half his beard, putting some of his hair into tiny pigtails, and putting outrageous makeup on his face.  He calls Gene to complain, and finds himself in a conversation about how everybody wants to gang bang Donna.  After much confusion and strange conversation, Mike finally figures out that he's having yet another stroke-fueled hallucination.

Photos by Marian Gonzalez

EPISODE TWELVE (4/4/15) - PLAYOFFS ROUND 1!

SUMMARY:  When hermaphrodite Tammy tells Brian that she accidentally had sex with herself while riding her bicycle,  Brian feels betrayed that she cheated on him, and sadly declares their relationship over.  An upset Tammy declares that she'll press charges against herself for the non-consensual sexual self-encounter, and, before running off in tears, tells Brian that she hopes he'll say something nice about her to the judge.

Photos by Marian Gonzalez

EPISODE THIRTEEN (4/18/15) - PLAYOFFS ROUND 2!

SUMMARY:  Brian himself puts Tammy on "trial" for cheating on him with herself.  Tammy, goaded beyond endurance, tells Brian that she's planning on doing it again - on purpose this time.  Also, Brian reveals that he has a vestigial twin named Kevin in his butthole.  Meanwhile, Karen calls Mike, who, due to his stroke, is having trouble remembering her face.

Photos by Aaron Francis

EPISODE FOURTEEN (4/25/15) - PLAYOFFS ROUND 3!

SUMMARY:  Tammy and Karen get together to soothe their aching hearts.  When Tammy learns that Brian's been secretly letting Kevin kiss Mike at night while Mike sleeps - much to Mike's disgust - Tammy accuses Brian of cheating on her, having a three way with Kevin and Mike.  Meanwhile, Sheldon interrupts to tell everyone he doesn't care about all this drama; he just wants Mike and Brian to get to the moon already.  And Mike has yet another stroke, causing Karen to worry.

Photos by Aaron Francis

EPISODE FIFTEEN (5/2/15) - PLAYOFFS ROUND 4!

SUMMARY:  Brian more or less traumatizes Mike by having him make "friends" with Kevin, the partially-formed twin who lives in Brian's butt.  Gene only cares about one thing: tomorrow's moon landing, the first in 40 years.  Brian attempts to film a "The More You Know" spot, but can't finish as he keeps shitting his pants.  Mike then gets a call from a distraught Karen, who says she's done something terrible; she doesn't know how to be when he's not there, and her smarts start to "leak."  She hopes he can fix what she's done.  The Naked Angels arrive, holding hands to connect Mike and Karen across the distance.  "I can see you," he says.

Mike's really not inclined to do the favor Brian's asking. But he does anyway, saying a hello to - and shaking hands with - Kevin, the partially-formed twin who lives in Brian's butt. Mike's really not enjoying his day. Mike rages and Gene tries to calm him down as a hurt Brian looks on.

Photos by Aaron Francis

CAST

Eric Curtis Johnson

Mike (Eps. 1-9, 11 & 13-15)

Michael Lanahan

Brian Funch (Eps. 1 & 3-4, 6-8 & 11-15)

Bruno Oliver

Uncle Gene (Eps. 1-9 & 11-15)

Vanessa Claire Stewart

Karen (Eps. 2, 4, 7-8 & 10-11)

Dana DeRuyck

Karen (Eps. 13-15)

Lauren Van Kruin

Tammy Funch (Eps. 3-4, 7-8 & 10-14)

Joe Fria

Eddie Money (Ep. 4)

Scott Leggett

Meatloaf (Ep. 4)

Lisa Anne Nicolai

The Naked Angel (Eps. 4-5, 7-8 & 10-12)

Cj Merriman

Donna (Eps. 5, 7 & 10-11)

KJ Middlebrooks

Barack Obama (Eps. 6 & 11)

Natalie Rose

The Naked Co-Worker (Eps. 7-8 & 10-12)

Abraham Benrubi

Chucky (Eps. 7 & 10)

Pat Towne

Sheldon Kemp (Eps. 9, 11 & 14)

Leon Russom

Major JD "Bobcat" Ketchum (Eps. 9-11)

Paul Plunkett

Voice of Kevin (Ep. 15)
Music by Zachary Bernstein (Eps. 5 & 10)