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written by Zachary Bernstein
directed by Guy Picot

How do you like them apples?

15 Episodes
Original Run: 10 Eps, 11/14/15 - 3/12/16
Playoffs Run: 5 Eps, 4/16/16 - 5/14/16

EPISODE ONE (11/14/15)

SUMMARY:  In the customer service department of Mott's, makers of fine apple sauce and apple juice, Kevin is the supervisor for two hopeless new hires - the ever-angry Laurie, and the cripplingly shy Dale. Laurie insists she's going to answer the phone, but never does, while Dale is lucky to get out his name before hanging up. Kevin's boss, Meg, recently fired the entire department except for Kevin - whom she has a thing for and sexually harasses incessantly; the department is now in the basement, and she only hired Laurie and Dale at Kevin's insistence... and they're on thin ice. Kevin takes a call himself; it's from harried single mom Pam, who is calling to find out if Mott's apple sauce comes in sizes larger than 48 ounces because her son, Elliot, loves it so much. They don't, but Kevin takes the time to empathize with her, and they form a bit of a connection. Pam didn't think she was the sort of person to call a questions and comments number from the back of a jar of applesauce, but... that's what love will do to you. After the call, Meg is turned on by how well Kevin handled the customer, and it's back to business as usual, with Laurie and Dale failing to field calls.

Photos by Victor Isaac

EPISODE TWO (11/21/15)

SUMMARY:  When Dale answers a call that Laurie wanted to pick up, she starts to have a full-on panic attack. Dale, for his part, hopes to be a jingle writer, and shares his terrible jingle he's written for Mott's. Kevin is hoping to speak to Pam again; he insists it's just because they got cut off, but the others insist he wants to "boink" her. Meg comes on to Kevin again, telling him she doesn't want a relationship, just sex, but Kevin still isn't interested. However, this revelation does earn her another jingle from Dale, for Tootsie Rolls, that may or may not have been some sort of come-on. As Laurie continues to panic, Kevin poetically compares life to Mott's apple juice.

Photos by Victor Isaac

EPISODE THREE (11/28/15)

SUMMARY:  Dale and Laurie are utterly confused by the replacement of their phone with a new phone; Laurie in particular refuses to answer the phone because she doesn't trust it. The replacement happened because of a misunderstanding by Meg - Kevin had asked her to get MORE phones for the call center, and instead she replaced the one phone they did have. Meg threatens to fire Dale and Laurie, but Kevin swears they'll improve - and when a call comes in, Kevin forces Dale to stay on the line (after Laurie refuses to pick up in the first place), and Dale actually completes the call... his first completed call ever. Laurie spills the beans bout Pam to Meg; Meg isn't jealous, she just wants to make herself available for a third. When Kevin explains who Pam is, and that he lost her after transferring to her Marketing to get a gift basket, Meg suggests Kevin contact the Marketing department to get Pam's name and phone number. But the Marketing department is staffed by assholes who don't want to do anything for anybody if there isn't something in it for them.

EPISODE FOUR (12/5/15)

SUMMARY:  The call center finally has two phones, but Laurie and Dale are afraid that if they answer both of them at the same time, they'll get electrocuted. Kevin heads off to Marketing to get the name and address of the woman he spoke to, and ultimately decides to take Laurie and Dale with him as leaving them alone promises to be a disaster. The Marketing guys, however, have zero interest in helping Kevin, instead aggressively berating him and talking about how awesome they are, even when Meg appears and asks them to help him. Kevin finally admits that he does maybe have feelings for the lady he talked to on the phone - sure, she has a kid, and that'd be an instant family... but then he'd be working for someone other than himself, and that wouldn't be so bad. When even that sentiment gets him mocked by the Marketing guys, he decides he doesn't want their help at all, and storms off, Laurie and Dale in tow. Back at the call center, Meg tells Kevin that she was moved by his speech, and while the Marketing guys were distracted, she managed to do some snooping and get a tiny bit of information: the woman's name is Pam.

EPISODE FIVE (12/12/15)

SUMMARY: Sean from HR visits the call center to do Laurie and Dale's evaluation, and he keeps unintentionally freaking them out; Laurie thinks he's a wizard. However, it turns out that it's Sean's first day as well and he didn't know he was supposed to be taking notes. Laurie answers her first call, and, when told to do what Kevin would do, introduces herself as Kevin and is lucky that the caller shares her fear of wizards. Kevin continues to imagine what life would be like with Pam, but when Pam finally calls back, Dale answers... and hangs up.

EPISODE SIX (12/19/15)

SUMMARY: Kevin hosts the office Christmas party in the customer service office, and tries to get Dale and Laurie to understand that they don't have to work, just mingle with the guests. Everyone gets a surprise when Mr. Mott himself and his wife arrive at the party. He calls the phone line (despite being in the room), and - after some encouragement from Kevin - Laurie and Dale answer, and Mr. Mott tells them about the Christmas gifts he got them. And he's got a gift for Kevin, too - he's going to give the customer service department a new office. Things are gonna look different in the new year! (This episode took place on the final night of performance at Sacred Fools' 19-year home at 660 N. Heliotrope Dr.)


SUMMARY: The customer service team is now in their new, non-basement office - which confuses Laurie, who demands to know who is answering the calls in the basement. Dale is scared of the "plumber" under the desk, who is actually the IT guy there to soup up their new phone. When the IT guy overhears Kevin's story about Pam, he asks for the date of the call... and then easily retrieves Pam's phone number. Kevin's elated... until he realizes the IT guy didn't give him the area code. The IT guy says he could easily get it... except nobody ever tips the IT guy... and he's quitting, and it's his last day, and it's 5:01PM. As the IT guy leaves, Laurie and Dale encourage Kevin to try every area code until he finds Pam.


SUMMARY: Kevin hires a new employee, Janet, who is bilingual and can help with Spanish-speaking callers. Unfortunately, she tries speaking Spanish to an English-speaking caller, leaving the call to be passed to Laurie, Dale, and ultimately Kevin, who finally helps the customer... who is on a quest to figure out what might make a bottle of Mott's apple juice explode. Meg makes Kevin admit that he hasn't even tried to call Pam yet, and Janet gets Kevin to confide that his last great love moved away thirteen years ago, and he's been in stasis ever since... and talking to Pam briefly got him out of it. Janet then suddenly declares that her work here is done, and leaves. It's time to find Pam's area code so Kevin can call her. But the only people who might have it... are the assholes from the Marketing department.


SUMMARY: Kevin, Dale and Laurie try calling Pam's number with random area codes, but Kevin is embarrassed and wants to stop just a few numbers in. He is finally persuaded to ask Anthony and Val, the jerks from Marketing, for the number; Dale and Laurie accompany him while Sean from HR attempts to man the phones. The Marketing folks sling their usual insults at Kevin, and Anthony challenges him to an arm wrestling match for the area code. Sean walks in just as the match is beginning and distracts Anthony, so Kevin wins. However, Anthony angrily declares that he cheated and he isn't getting any area code. Laurie manages to accidentally clock Kevin in the face with his own hand, much to the amusement of Anthony and Val. Kevin, Laurie and Dale return to their office, where Laurie answers a call from a woman looking for Kevin, who she spoke to a few months ago. It's Pam! However, Laurie doesn't know this, and - wanting to do her job well after accidentally punching Kevin in the face - hangs up on her for not asking a question about Mott's Apple Juice.

EPISODE TEN (3/12/16)

SUMMARY: Meg sets Kevin up on a blind date with herself, much to Kevin's annoyance. Laurie and Dale follow them to the restaurant, where the Maitre D' is Pam ? who has to deal with a Laurie, Dale and Meg of her own in aggressive Shelley, mild-mannered and easily confused Walter, and sexually harassing manager Bob. Everyone gets along great with their counterpart, and there are sparks between Kevin and Pam... who, of course, have no idea who the other one is. Kevin decides they're going to go eat at Subway instead, and takes the Mott's crew with him. Pam's co-workers point out the chemistry... but Pam says she's holding out to try to meet Kevin.


SUMMARY: Dale is away at a music festival and has sent his roommate Chet to pose as him, which isn't fooling anybody except Laurie. Kevin is unnerved when Meg gives him a present for his thirteenth anniversary at Mott's. He can't believe he's been there so long. He's also caught off guard by a caller looking for his "Pam" - the cooking spray; the caller is distraught that he misplaced Pam... and then calls back later, ecstatic that he found his Pam, and hopes that everybody can find their Pam. Kevin finally resolves to call every area code until he finally finds his Pam.


SUMMARY: As Kevin prepares to call the final area code, having gone through all the others, Meg steals the phone number. She knows that once Kevin finds Pam, he'll never want her. Kevin tells her yet again that that was never going to happen anyway, and eventually gets her to relent. However, the final area code yields yet another wrong number. Kevin is downcast and defeated... until he realizes that there's one possibility left: Pam's number is a local number.


SUMMARY: Kevin psyches himself up to finally call Pam, but every time he picks up the phone, Laurie grabs it and hangs up, exhorting Kevin that anything could happen; things could go wrong, and he should be prepared. She also tells him not to get distracted. Meg also makes one last-ditch attempt to stop Kevin from calling. He finally manages to make the call - and a woman named Vivian answers. However, this is Pam's friend and babysitter, and Pam is, in fact, home. They speak for the first time in months, and Pam is thrilled he's calling. Neither can believe that they both live in Appleton... and she's impressed and touched that he remembers the name of her child from their brief conversation last November. She's about to leave for work, but suggests they meet up tomorrow. She doesn't want to meet him at her workplace, and he agrees that she can come meet him at Mott's. She's looking forward to it; after all... anything could happen. Kevin is exhilarated. However, when he hangs up, he takes a look at his co-workers and is horrified that he's agreed to meet Pam in their company...


SUMMARY: Kevin readies himself for Pam's visit, as Laurie criticizes his tie and Meg attempts one last unsuccessful seduction. Laurie wants to test Pam with her deadly "spine-shaker" handshake; if she survives, he'll know she's strong enough for him. Kevin politely declines. Pam finally arrives, and they recognize each other from the restaurant where she works. After after Kevin dismisses his co-workers, Pam wants to know about Kevin's job so she can learn more about him, so he offers to train her to answer the Mott's hotline. She's nervous, but he coaches her. A scary-looking man in skeleton makeup and costume calls... and, gentle-voiced, he wants to know why Mott's has high-fructose corn syrup, since it's bad for kids. Pam responds that he can try the healthier version without corn syrup, which tastes better. The caller wants to know why they even have the unhealthy version at all, and Pam responds that change can be scary and sometimes you stick with something unhealthy because it's what you know. "I hear that," says the caller... and it resonates for Kevin and Pam as well. Pam tells Kevin that for her son's sake, she's promised herself that she wouldn't bring anybody into his life who wasn't planning to stay; Kevin will need to prove himself. As Kevin's co-workers return, Laurie attempts to give Pam the "spine-shaker" handshake. Kevin intervenes, and is thrown to the floor. He survives, which means, according to Laurie, he's strong. Kevin assures her that Pam's strong, too. And you don't need a spine-shaker to see that... you just have to talk to her. And Pam and Kevin agree to see each other again soon.


SUMMARY: Kevin's getting ready for a lunch date with Pam, but Meg's brought all the Mott's employees to his office for an urgent meeting called by Mr. Mott. Mott announces that he's giving Kevin a promotion to VP of Customer Relations... but there's a catch. He has to move to Plano, Texas to take the job, and everyone is going with him. If Kevin declines the promotion, everybody will be out of a job, because Mr. Mott is shutting down the Appleton office. Nobody - especially Kevin - wants to move, but they don't want to lose their jobs either. And it's all in Kevin's hands. The only way Mr. Mott will relent and allow the Appleton office to stay open is if Kevin beats him in a dance-off, with the help of Laurie and Dale... but he fails. And then he realizes he's late for his lunch with Pam - but when he calls Pam, he finds that she's at the hospital; something's wrong with her toddler son, Elliott. He races to the hospital, where he meets Hank, whose teenage daughter was just scarred by someone who ran a red light. Hank, who works for a credit union, blames himself for letting her drive by herself for the first time, but Kevin manages to convince him it's not his fault, and Hank thanks him for calming him down. Kevin then finds Pam, who reports that Elliott is okay; he just had a stomach bug. This is what parenting is like, she tells him, but Kevin says he wants to stick around. A week later, Mr. Mott arrives at the Appleton Mott's office to hear Kevin's decision. Kevin announces he's declining the job - and starting his own business, a community helpline. Mr. Mott is skeptical, but Hank, who is fronting him a loan via his credit union, says non-profits aren't supposed to make money. And Kevin's going to hire everybody from the Appleton Mott's office to work there. Everybody's happy - including Meg, who is attracted to Hank. "Did we miss anything?" asks Pam, arriving with Elliott at the tail end of the celebrations. "No," says Kevin, putting his arm around her. "I did."


Pete Caslavka

Kevin (Eps. 1-2 & 4-15)

Bryan Bellomo

Kevin (Ep. 3)

Cj Merriman

Laurie (Eps. 1-15)

Travis Snyder-Eaton

Dale (Eps. 1-10 & 12-15)

Stephanie Cannon

Meg (Eps. 1-15)

Shaela Cook

Pam (Eps. 1-15)

Lauren Van Kurin

Possible Pam (Ep. 2)
Nikki (Ep. 15)

Alisa Tangredi

Caller (Ep. 2)

Brendan Broms

Caller (Ep. 3)

Eric Giancoli

Anthony from Marketing (Ep. 3)

Bart Tangredi

Anthony from Marketing (Eps. 4, 6, 9 & 15)

Ezra Buzzington

Anthony from Marketing (Ep. 8)

Corey Klemow

Val from Marketing (Eps. 3-4, 6, 8-9 & 15)

Ari Radousky

Sean (Eps. 5, 9 & 15)

Jaime Andrews

Caller (Ep. 5)

Matt Valle

Mr. Mott (Eps. 6 & 15)

Vanessa Stewart

Mrs. Mott (Ep. 6)

Ryan Johnson

Himself (Ep. 6)

Alyssa Preston, Leon Russom, Bruno Oliver,
Gregory Guy Gorden, Dana DeRuyck,
Jaime Andrews, Pat Towne, Terry Tocantins,
Julia Griswold & Will McMichael

Surprise Party Guests (Ep. 6)

Brendan Hunt

Mike the IT Guy (Ep. 7)

Libby Baker

Caller (Ep. 7)

Peter Fluet

Caller #2 (Ep. 7)

Marian Gonzalez

Janet (Ep. 8)

Scott Leggett

Caller (Ep. 8)

Natalie Rose

Caller (Ep. 8)

Devereau Chumrau

Called (Jill) (Ep. 9)

Josh Weber

Called (Ep. 9)

Monica Greene

Caller (Ep. 9)

Amir Levi

Walter (Ep. 10)

Halle Charlton

Shelley (Ep. 10)

Pat Towne

Bob (Ep. 10)

Laura Napoli

Caller (Ep. 10)

Joe Fria

Chet (Ep. 11)

Michael Lanahan

Caller (Ep. 11)

Erin Matthews

Tina / Gina (Ep. 12)

Nick Ullett

Cecil Montgomery (Ep. 13)

Maral Adams

Vivian (Eps. 13 & 15)

Marz Richards

Caller (Ep. 14)

Bruno Oliver

Hank (Ep. 15)

Erin Holt

Frida (Ep. 15)

Emily Clark

Agnetha (Ep. 15)

Asher Cook

Elliott (Ep. 15)
Lyrics by Zachary Bernstein, Music by Zachary Bernstein & Christian Regul (Ep. 6)
Choreography by committee (Ep. 9)