THE INCREDIBLE SCOOTER COPS
by Michael Strom
directed by JJ Mayes
episode 1 co-directed by JJ Mayes & Jaime Robledo
episode 2 directed by Jaime Robledo
episode 12 co-directed by Jeremy Aldridge & JJ Mayes
Original Run: 12 Episodes - 12/12/09 - 4/10/10
Playoffs: 5 Episodes - 5/29/10 - 6/26/10
SECOND PLACE PLAYOFFS WINNER!
Better get out of the way - 'cause they're on the beat!
The Incredible Scooter Cops on their scooter. Incredible!
(L-R: Krista Conti, Victor Isaac and Terry Tocantins.)
The Narrator (JJ Mayes) fills us in: "Scooter
Cops! Cruising at speeds of almost 35 miles per hour!
This is a true story of real people, real cops and real terror
in New York City circa 1971.
Warning: some events may have been changed to make them
A pair of detectives (Hugo Armstrong & Tim Sheridan) discover
body of Herbert Dowling, and quickly declare the case
Scooter Joe explains how a Scooter Cop operates:
"Hey, Joe, hold on a second. We're coming into a legal
establishment here, and
I've got my police uniform on. I gotta think we're breakin'
some rules here."
"Those rules are made to keep us out of the places where the
we wanna talk to are hangin' out. They ain't REAL rules!"
"Yes! Yes it IS a real rule! Citizens have a right to privacy -
why we have warrants! But tell that... to The Incredible Scooter
Scooter Kenny massages information out of Pres (Aaron Mendelson),
while Scooter Joe gets some info from Pogo (James Fowler).
The Waitress (Krista Conti) tells the Scooter Cops about the
robbery that just
happened. The robber never, ever took his left hand out of
It's his only distinguishing characteristic.
The criminal in question (Joe Roche) is found, about to rape a
woman (Mandi Moss).
He confesses to the robbery at the restaurant, but thinks it's
odd that that's the first question
that they asked him, considering he's a murderer. Who does he
murder? SCOOTER COPS!
EPISODE TWO (12/19/09)
Theme From "The Incredible Scooter Cops"
"Last week, on THE INCREDIBLE SCOOTER COPS..."
(Left-hand-always-in-pocket criminal now played by Brian Wallis)
Pogo sings the Scooter Cops theme.
"I'm Scooter Joe. That's not a boast - I'm just tellin'!"
"Scooter Joe? I give up! Just don't use your charisma on me!"
lineup - Scooter Cop style.
The waitress is
a witness. Scooter Joe bores her boasting about
his exploits with Wilt Chamberlain, the Harlem Globetrotters and
saw a murder on Nordstrom Avenue.
Huh. That's where Herbert Dowling was killed.
Scooter Joe calls in the tip.
"asks permission" from his wife to go out.
"Hey... you knew who you married."
pocket guy goes down, but she's still not sure
whether she wants to testify in the Dowling case...
so Scooter Joe uses his charisma to change her mind.
EPISODE THREE (1/16/10)
Theme From "The Incredible Scooter Cops" (Sexy Mix)
Performed by James Fowler & Anna Hulsey
Kenny and Scooter Joe (played this week
by Michael Shepperd) discuss the case.
Kenny talks about the perfect crime.
Our heroes use their charisma to convince
the waitress to ID Dowling's murderer... by
coming with them to the roughest bar in town.
And they're not gonna call for backup.
Narrator points out that backup is protocol in this situation,
and they're endangering a
witness. But heck, they're already investigating a case not
assigned to them. And in their lexicon,
calling for backup would make them The Incredible Scooter
Pussies. Go, Scooter Cops, go.
Kenny draws a bead on the suspect, Man in Hat (Aaron Mendelson)...
but his shot ricochets and ends up killing two bystanders
The Waitress enters and throws her drink in his face.
"AAAARGH! I'm allergic to the kind of Coke
that has red cherries and lots of ice!"
The Man in the Hat goes down for 20 to life... and the
detectives who took over the case received an award.
Detective who took over the case gets his reward. And how.
The role of the Award Statuette is played by the Best Actor Ovation Award actor
Hugo Armstrong (the taller Detective) had just won that past Monday night.
Yes, this clip features AN AWARD WINNING ACTOR showing us his CHOPS!
EPISODE FOUR (1/23/10)
Theme From "The Incredible Scooter Cops" (Horn Mix)
The Band: Richard Levinson (Piano), Brian Wallis (Trombone) and
Colin Kupka (Sax)
and James sing the theme.
of detectives (Corey Klemow & Eric Johnson) find a dead
body... and conclude that he fell down the stairs onto a bullet.
Scooter Joe says that this is a shooting alley -
a place where people in the neighborhood come and
shoot their drugs. This is a drug deal gone bad.
Kenny's sick and home on sick leave... but he's going to
report to work
anyway despite the severe penalties. He needs to know that
he can win
the love and respect of the neighborhood without Scooter Joe's
The increasingly inebriated Narrator hits Kenny's wife after
he leaves for work. "I told you the penalties were severe.
You knew who I was when you asked me to narrate this story."
Kenny roughs up Heavy Eddie (Bruno Oliver) until
he says he heard Veronica talking to some girl
about "something that might have happened."
Kenny questions three-dollar whore Veronica (Anna Hulsey),
her wig to get her to talk. She says the murderer was "BuBu."
The Detectives annoy Scooter Joe as he takes a call from
Kenny, high on cough syrup, rants about
a "Pumatar" or some such thing.
"'Cause they're drivin' 35!"
EPISODE FIVE (1/30/10)
Theme From "The Incredible Scooter Cops" (Bongo Mix)
"I would blow town... but I can't reach it. I call
my dick 'town.' Would you blow town for me?"
An ill Kenny gets a similar medicine from his wife.
Singin' and drivin'.
Scooter Joe promises Veronica that if her tip pans out, they'll
make make more of the sweet, hard fuck love... that sweet,
hard fuck love he's so good at. He's not bragging - just
HIS HANDS ARE WEAPONS!
As Scooter Joe and Kenny subdue BuBu, the detectives
and Pogo hide... er... observe from a safe outpost.
The arrest of William "BuBu" Benjamin (DeSean Anderson).
The detectives congratulate Scooter Joe, but refuse to
recognize Kenny's contribution, as he was working while sick.
The now extremely inebriated Narrator tries to make
sense of it all before finally falling down drunk.
EPISODE SIX (2/6/10)
Holocaust survivors and local butchers Bartleby (Paul Plunkett)
Mishka (Tifanie McQueen) greet regular customer Elijah (Ari
the youngest-ever 19-year veteran of the New York police force.
Suddenly, a pair of criminals (David Mayes & Pete Alton as
"Rhodes") burst in and shout to hand
over the money or this will be the worst day of their lives.
They beg to disagree, telling horrible
tales of their experiences in the camps. "So this... THIS?
NOT the worst day of my life!"
When Elijah tries to intervene, he is shot dead, and the
witnesses (Jennifer Fenten,
Brendan Patterson as "Pumatar" and Peter Fluet) refuse to speak
to the cops.
Theme From "The Incredible Scooter Cops" (Bass Mix)
Informant Snaps (Sean Sweeney) tells the Scooter Cops where
to find the perp. He can't stop snapping. He's got a
disorder. It's fatal. It's the worst thing that's
ever happened to him.
("The WORST thing?" counters Bartleby, who appears from
The Scooter Cops employ their usual questionable tactics to
Scooter Joe is shot by a ricochet from his own gun!
Rhodes gets away as Kenny tends to Scooter Joe.
EPISODE SEVEN (2/13/10)
Theme From "The Incredible Scooter Cops" (Funky Horn Mix)
A miracle cure!
"This boy just needs purple juice.
It's chock full of vitamin purple."
Rhodes has somehow been able to afford to hire big-shot lawyer
Lester Creely (Bryan Krasner), pictured here with his paralegal
He charges that the Scooter Cops have violated his client's
Which is pretty much what the Narrator has been telling us since
Lester likes his clients innocent. REALLY innocent.
Kenny's wife visits him at the station to bring
him back his gun... he left it at home.
Kenny accidentally shoots her in the leg, then casually says,
at home, honey." "I love you!" she sweetly says as she
Anyway, Rhodes says the folks who are really responsible for the
death of Officer Elijah Stroud are "Don, Pooky, Slick and Little
But who are they? Rhodes only knows their nicknames.
Snaps, Pogo and Veronica can't help... but Veronica suggests
talking to the Junkie Wizard.
Rhodes has failed to obtain the item from the butcher shop,
so a shadowy figure commands Detective #3 to kill him.
The shadowy figure is Dr. Henry Kissinger (Pat Towne),
who has had the Detective hook up a bomb to Scooter Joe's
scooter. Once it hits 35 miles per hour... they're dead.
The Junkie Wizard (Troy Blendell) bets Scooter Joe $100 his
scooter can't do 35...
EPISODE EIGHT (2/20/10) Photos this week by Emily Donn
Theme From "The Incredible Scooter Cops" (Epic Mix plus
The Scooter Cops Band
Jivin' and dancin' behind the Scooter Cops.
The Scooter Cops are about to his 35mph and set off the bomb!
An enormous explosion is heard! Is this the end of the
EPISODE NINE (3/20/10) Photos this week by Emily Donn
Theme From "The Incredible Scooter Cops" (Funereal Version)
But wait! The Scooter Cops survived! How? Like
a couple of Scooter Cops, son!
Um. Yeah. That's all the explanation we're getting.
DID hit 35 miles per hour, so they make the Junkie Wizard pay
Also, the Detective and the Pumatar go back to Bartleby's
butcher shop and
find the device Henry Kissinger is looking for... and it turns
out to be a component of
Nicolai Tesla's death ray! This fact is announced by a
hologram of Tesla himself.
Why are there no photos? 'Cause it's a secret, son!
Anyway, Tesla gives us a choice:
watch him in some freaky porn... or listen to him tell the story
of how, in 1921, the
world was saved by INCREDIBLE SCOOTER COPS! Even though
there were no scooters!
Most of this week's cast of SCOOTER COPS! New characters
include Pookie (C.M. Gonzalez, in the
shades), the Attack Prostitute (Kat Steel, next to Pookie) and
Don (David Pavao, second from right),
street name "Liberace," a flamboyant gangster absolutely
obsessed with di-a-monds.
EPISODE TEN (3/27/10)
Nicolai Tesla (JJ Mayes) prepares to take us back to 1921.
Tesla's introduction, the 1921 Scooter Cops Theme,
and an introduction to the PT Mayes Radio Players.
Theme From "The Incredible
Two-Man Tandem Bicycle Cops"
Meet the PT Mayes Radio Players! (Pat Towne, Peter Fluet,
Terry Tocantins & JJ Mayes)
Sponsored by Purple Juice Grape Soda - now with twice the
phosphate and thrice the cocaine!
O'Shea (Terry Tocantins) is the good cop who won't work with a
dirty cop... Mercer (Peter Fluet) is
the bad cop who won't work with a dirty Irishman. They
are... The Incredible Two-Man Tandem Bicycle Cops!
The Secret Service asks them to investigate Nicolai Tesla, who
is readying a ray gun to bring the police to their knees.
EPISODE ELEVEN (4/3/10)
Once again, the audience tries to select holodisc five: old
However, due to a disc error, we instead must watch Part 2 of
the radio show.
The desultory sound effects man (Pat Towne).
Richard of The Levinson Orchestra performs the theme tune.
Two-fisted radio action!
ANYWAY, long story short: after more action and casual racism,
The Incredible Two-Man Tandem Bicycle Cops break up Tesla's
and for some reason hide parts of it all over the city. Next
EPISODE TWELVE (4/10/10)
if you would like to see a holographic mime show of
how the original Scooter Cops were sent back in time to solve
the case of Jack the Ripper, please insert disk six."
"TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF! Oh my GOD, that was MORE
I will EVER need! It felt like watching those radio
holograms took TWO WEEKS!"
The Scooter Cops band (this week: "Hollywood" Paul Litteral,
Brian Wallis, Richard Levinson
and Chairman Barnes) rev up to play the theme for the first time
in a while...
...but Kenny interrupts. He's got theater tickets.
His sister's kid is doing a thing. It's an obligation.
Turns out it's a school play. The teacher (Richard
introduces the show... a second-grade production of "The
L-R: Jaime Robledo as "Tree," Peter Fluet as "Luca Brasi," Julia
Griswold as "Connie,"
Trey Perkins as "The Godfather" and Ari Radousky as "Enzo the
L-R: Brian Wallis as "Fredo," Suzanne Karpinski as "Kay," Colin
Willkie as "Michael" and Anna Baardsen as "Avocado."
When the "Godfather" makes the kids sit on his lap, the Scooter
realize that's no kid... that's Petite Reggie, the shortest
pedophile in New York.
He has information: He heard Creely talking to Kissinger about
the For Goodness Sake Japanese Disco. "Something tells
me," says the
prescient Kenny, "that there's something wrong with the Nixon
Reggie is given the award for Worst Street name by its previous
winner, Rapist in
Oscar the Grouch Ski Hat Who Everyone Knows Is Really Doug"
who then shanks Reggie for, y'know, being a filthy pedophile.
This week's Narrator (Jeremy Aldridge).
EPISODE THIRTEEN (5/29/10) - PLAYOFFS WEEK TWO!
The Scooter Cops rough up a suspect, demanding to know when
the robbery is going down tonight, and who blew up their
The Chief shouts down the drunken Narrator.
The Chief (Peter Fluet, far L) sits the Scooter Cops down to
chew them out for
pursuing murders instead of parking tickets. He demonstrates
with charts and graphs.
Exposition always goes down better with some unrehearsed,
improvisatory sitting and eating.
This Chief's term is nearly over, and he warns them that the
next Chief will take their badges. They need to go
back to giving out parking tickets. But he has a present: a
brand new scooter. (Which looks just like the old one.)
Pogo and Veronica sing the Scoter Cops' praises once more.
EPISODE FOURTEEN (6/5/10) - PLAYOFFS WEEK THREE!
The Incredible Scooter Cops, forced to stick to their actual job
of handing out
parking tickets, are just cops. Though, to be fair, cops
with a scooter.
The Scooter Cops' demotion necessitates new lyrics to their
Theme From "The Incredible Scooter Cops" (Parking Ticket Mix)
A guy (Brian Wallis) solicits a
prostitute (Peter Fluet) in broad daylight.
All the Scooter Cops can do is give him a parking ticket for an
Later, a man is stabbed and cries out to the Scooter Cops for
help... but their
hands are tied. "I'm sorry, but you're not double-parked.
I can't do shit."
A car is parked in the red... and it's Henry Kissinger and the
They flee at the sight of the Scooter Cops.
They dropped a component of something... it says "press here for
old timey holographic porn."
Kenny wants to take it to the police lost and found... but
Scooter Joe has another idea:
They can chase them down like a couple of motherfucking
Incredible Scooter Cops!
"Join us next week when there'll be no meters... no parking
tickets... just a couple of Incredible Scooter Cops!"
EPISODE FIFTEEN (6/12/10) - PLAYOFFS WEEK FOUR!
Scooter Joe and Kenny are in hot pursuit of Kissinger and the
Kissinger throws Pumatar out of the vehicle so that he can go 45
Pumatar is captured, and does a lame magic trick for everyone.
Kissinger is sure the Pumatar will elude the
Scooter Cops and meet up with them.
Scott Leggett (Scott Leggett) at the bar with the bartender
No plot significance, just some local color. Hi, Scott
Kenny attempts to disguise himself as the Pumatar. Badly.
He's going to wear a wire and infiltrate Kissinger's gang.
The subterfuge is immediately detected.
Scooter Joe tries to come to Kenny's rescue, but he's stuck in
where he was listening in on the wire. A shot rings out!
EPISODE SIXTEEN (6/19/10) - PLAYOFFS WEEK FIVE!
Kenny is shot by Detective #3 and the Suspect...
well as being caught in the crossfire by the bartender, who was
aiming for the others.
Pam the Prostitute (Peter Fluet) thinks that Kenny, who is
help, is yelling at an invisible girlfriend. "Sorry,
girlfriend, you don't exist. Oh no, now she's crying!"
Pam finds and activates the device. It's Tesla!
She pushes the button for particle wave beam instructions...
...but ends up with Olde Timey Holographic Porn! AT LAST!
(L-R: Cristina Dohmen, Jaime Andrews, Colin Willkie & Mike
Enjoy some Olde Timey Holographic Porn.
Detective #4 arrives and frees Scooter Joe from the closet.
"Kiss me," cries a mortally wounded Kenny. "It won't be
Scooter Joe won't be partners with Detective #4. Instead,
he gives up his badge.
"To end this I gotta go back to the beginning... back to the
streets... back to what I promised
my grandmomma I'd never do again... back to the gang that I
broke away from... I'm one
Incredible Rogue Vigilante Scooter Cop - AND I'M DRIVING 35,
The Suspect gets the device from Pam.
Lester Creely and Kissinger await the return of the device so
they can use Tesla's ray to
vaporize the people of Vietnam... leaving the buildings and
natural resources for the taking.
Detective #3 - whose name, it transpires is Craig - is
surrounded by a group of thugs...
Scooter Joe's old gang, the Fancy Dandies of A Capella... who
hate dirty cops.
"What's up, Craig? End of the motherfucking line!"
EPISODE SEVENTEEN (6/26/10) - PLAYOFFS WEEK SIX (FINALS)!
Scooter Joe and Craig prepare for a knock-down, drag out fight
to the finish.
The fight is performed by a pair of not-at-all-obvious stunt
doubles (Laura Napoli and Robyn Heller).
Craig begs Scooter Joe not to kill him, to no avail.
Richard Nixon (John Bigham) is the mastermind behind the crimes.
Kenny's Doctor (Curt Bonnem) is distraught.
Fortunately, Mishka and Bartleby are there to assure him it
could always be worse.
Scooter Joe visits Kenny and asks his forgiveness.
When Creely attacks, Kenny revives and rescues him.
Creely kills Mishka and Bartleby - "At least it wasn't bees!"
out it's just ribbons; they're okay. But then the bees come.)
The now-implacable Scooter Cops chase Nixon and Kissinger, who
flee by boat, rickshaw and helicopter, among other vehicles.
When Kissinger drops the device, it's set to detonate - but
has provided for some Old Timey Porn so they can enjoy their
(L-R: Erin Holt, JJ Mayes, Colin Willkie & Jaime Andrews)
Nixon and Kissinger bail, while Scooter Joe and Kenny fly the
over the water to save New York City from the impending
"You know what? You're my best friend. Not bragging... just
They make a desperate leap just as the helicopter explodes.
Life goes on... the Pumatar and his woman (Julia Griswold).
Ronny the Suspect meets his end when Pam is rescued from him by
her invisible girlfriend.
AND WHAT OF THE INCREDIBLE SCOOTER COPS?
The Priest (C.M. Gonzalez) memorializes Kenny Kaufman and
The Narrator, retired to Miami, reads a case in the paper
about a case solved by a couple of cops on a jet ski.
"Kenneth" and "Jet Ski Joe" - The Incredible Jet Ski Cops - are
on the case now and forevermore!
Time to wrap things up with some purple juice... and one final
rendition of that badass theme.