February 12, 2000 -
Well it seems that an underdog Senator from Arizona has stunned the Republican Party Establishment with a colossal win in the New Hampshire Primaries last week…and now Senator John S. McCain has grabbed the political world by it’s collective shorthairs and is spinning it above his head around and around and around and around like Kermit the Frog when he was clinging to that ceiling fan in the first Muppet Movie…
His surprising triumph has turned the accepted inevitability of a George W. Bush coronation into something less than the fait accompli the smirking governor from Texas had hoped for. So this week, Senator John McCain sat down with us for the exclusive CRIME SCENE 2000: The Race to the White interview...
CS2K: Senator, thank you for sitting down with us here tonight for the CS2K: TRTTW…Interview.
MCCAIN: My pleasure, Brad.
CS2K: Senator, congratulations on
your stunning New Hampshire win!
MCCAIN: I’m on a crusade, Brad! A crusade!!
CS2K: I understand…to what do you attribute your unprecedented surge in voter support over the last several weeks?
MCCAIN: I think it’s because I tell it like it is. No b.s. The American people are tired of politicians lying to them. What America really wants is to hear the truth from their elected officials about their elected officials... That’s true political reform! And that’s what John McCain is all about. The plain and simple truth from a real conservative who – I don’t know if I mentioned this yet – spent 5 years in a Hanoi Hilton Hell Hole but lived to tell about it and is a real American Hero.
CS2K: Well, senator, with all due respect…The “honest” politician line has been tried before by…
MCCAIN: Are you calling me a liar?!… I’ll open up a can of whup-ass on you so hard and so fast, Brad, that your grandkids will feel it!…Now when I say I’m an open book, I MEAN IT!…Go ahead…ask me anything!
CS2K: Okay…um…We’re all familiar with the controversy swirling around the alleged cocaine use by Governor Bush, and now the alleged marijuana use by Vice-President Al Gore…And of course the well known denials by President Clinton that he ever inhaled…Will you at least admit tonight, that you’ve inhaled?
MCCAIN: Son, I’ve inhaled, imbibed, tweaked, shot up, tuned in, turned on, and dropped-out!… Let me tell you something: I’ve been in more K-Holes than a homo during Gay Pride Weekend…I’ve done poppers, ecstasy, mescaline, and peyote…I’ve sniffed glue, done at least a case of ‘whip-its’, and licked more South African frogs than I care to remember…What other real conservative in the race can say that?…From foxhole to K-hole, I’ve put enough pharmaceuticals in my system so that when I talk about drugs and drug “reform”, I know of what I speak…Now which of my opponents can say that, Brad?
CS2K: Well, it’s been said that Governor George W. Bush has…
MCCAIN: With all due respect to Governor W., he’s an amateur.
CS2K: Apparently…Now here at CS2K: TRTTW, we’re strongly opposed to inquiring into the personal lives of candidates running for public office. Therefore…Have you ever cheated on your wife?
MCCAIN: Look Brad…My wife Cindy is probably the most beautiful, understanding woman I know. Don’t let that bull-dyke haircut fool you…As we’ve grown together, we’ve come to realize there are certain needs I have as a powerful Senator (but not, I repeat not a Warshington Insider) that she cannot fulfill…And vice-versa…Our mutual acceptance of these needs has only made our marriage stronger.
CS2K: Senator…are you admitting here that you’ve both strayed outside the sacred boundaries of the marriage covenant?
MCCAIN: It’s called support, Bubs! I know what she likes and she knows…Okay, here’s an example; Cindy knows I like the young ones…Fine…So, the other night she brings home this Indonesian boy. He couldn’t have been more than eighteen years old. And with an ass so firm you could bounce quarters off of it!…Which we did by the way! (LAUGHS)…And tight? Let me put it this way, Brad; it was easier getting out of that P.O.W. camp than it was getting into…damn!…I don’t even remember the boy’s name!…The point is, while I’m up in the bedroom burying my bone in Sabu’s backyard, Cindy is downstairs in the rumpus room with Dita; the Macedonian dominatrix I gave her for her 45th birthday….And that - my friend - is what a marriage is all about!…Support!…I think the American people will back me up on this one…Any other questions you want to ask me, Smart Boy?
CS2K: I’m that's more than enough, Senator...I want to thank you for…
MCCAIN: Wait! I didn’t tell you about the time Cindy and I were tweaking so hard we didn’t realize that the donkey we had rented for the evening was…
CS2K: Thank you Senator…Thank
MCCAIN: Want me to whip it out?
CS2K: Oh, boy...no, I...well, no...but thank you for sitting down with us here at Crime Scene 2000: The Race to the Whitehouse...Bye.
(Interview conducted by Gerald McClanahan. Host, Brad Friedman merely inserted later by the editors to make the interview seem more impressive. -ed.)