that's Brad...


by Brad Friedman

October 9, 1999 -

Well, it was another big week, This Week in Crime…And with so many hot hot stories this week, we'd better get right to it!

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American Airline:
Your ticket to ride!

The big story this week, of course, was a 2.2 million dollar pay-out forced upon American Airlines by jurors who sided with 13 bed-wetters who recently took an airplane ride from LA to New York only to run into 28 seconds of quote "sheer terror" or as some of us call it "bumpiness" as the flight passed through a storm.

The verdict in the case was unusual, given that none of the screaming panty-wastes were physically injured in the flight. But they did claim "post emotional trauma" after the horrifying incident.

Now I love to see major US Corporations get screwed up the ass just for the hell of it as much as the next guy, but perhaps this time, the courts have gone a bit too far.

Among the plaintiffs in the case was one Nancy Spielberg and her two young daughters. Ms. Spielberg happens to be the sister of - you guessed it - Action Figure Impresario, Steven Spielberg… Now, I hate to make light of the terrible duress that Ms. Spielberg and her two adorable little moppets must have gone through, but did anybody here see The Lost World: Jurassic Park 2? Jesus Christ…and this woman is complaining about 28 seconds of discomfort?! I hadda sit through 8 hours of that crap.

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Steven Spielberg:
Your ticket to boredom

Now, I'm not even gonna bring up Amistad, because frankly, I didn't see it…But that was no accident. I'd rather eat my left testicle than fall for another one of Spielberg's important movies. And I know I'm not the only one who can say that. So I ask you, what happened to the magical days of Jaws and E.T.? You know, back when Steven Spielberg made really really good movies instead of really really crappy movies.

Now I know there was also the Indiana Jones trilogy and that was pretty good. Though curiously, I liked the second one the best, and that's the one that most people don't care for. I thought it had a very very cool opening. You know, with the ice and the diamonds and the antidote. That was good…

Dan Akroyd was in that second Indian Jones movie. It was a small cameo, but he was very good. Now there's another guy who used to be very good. Very very funny. But then he got fat and rich and not funny at all. Similar to Joe Piscopo actually. Though he was never really funny to begin with. If he was, it was because he was in a scene with Eddie Murphy. Now Eddie Murphy - he's funny! Didja ever see that Nutty Professor thing? …Me neither, but I saw the ads on TV and they were really really funny. When he gets all fat and everything. That was funny.

Now I never got to see Dr. Doolittle either. Though if you ask me, it wasn't as funny as the Nutty Professor…Now the original Nutty Professor - I saw that. Now that was funny. But not necessarily funny ha-ha, but rather funny strange cause the crazy thing about it was that when Jerry Lewis drank the potion, he turned into a very scary lounge lizard character who was actually more scary than funny…But it was funny that he did that…

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The E! True Hollywood Story!
The E! Celebrity Profile!
And the difference is?

I saw Eyes Wide Shut the other night… That movie wasn't funny at all. But there were lots and lots of naked women in it. And that was pretty good…I might go see Mystery, Alaska tomorrow night…or I could just stay home and watch the Discovery Channel. They always have good stuff on Sunday Nights. So does E! though. They have that E! True Hollywood Story thing. That's a good show…Though it's really a very very fine line between E's Celebrity Profile and The E! True Hollywood Story. Really it's just a matter of a single overdose or armed robbery that separates the two….And it is Diff'rent Strokes week on the E! True Hollywood Story, so it oughta be a big week.

I think overall though, I'd rather stay in and watch something on cable than go see a movie…particularly if that movie is one of those glossy, colorful, two and half hour long Kodak Commercials that Steven Spielberg calls movies… And if his sister and her cutesy little kidlets felt they were gonna die for 28 seconds over Minneapolis, well then, they deserved it. And if they received a total of half a million dollars for it, I guess it just shows you that if your last name is Spielberg you can likely put one of your own farts up for auction on eBay and get yourself a cool million bucks for it…

Jew bastard.

…And that's this week's, This Week In Crime...

Previously in 
"CRIME SCENE 2000: The Race To the Whitehouse"

May 2, 2001   Timothy McVeigh must die, die, die! Quick! Hurry! Now! Die!
March 11, 2000 EXCLUSIVE VIDEO! CS2K Takes to the Polls on Super Tuesday!
March 4, 2000 EXCLUSIVE AUDIO! Pat Robertson vs John McCain in..."The Battle of the Voter Alerts!"
February 26, 2000 George W. in his own words!
February 19, 2000
(not yet available)
South Carolina Primary Results! And a visit from The President of the United States!!!
February 12, 2000 EXCLUSIVE Interview with the Reclusive John McCain!
December 4, 1999   The Battle for Seattle!
October 30, 1999  A Gorey Halloween Special! Caught on tape!
October 16, 1999 Y2K!!! Without the Hype!!! Read it now!!! NOW!!!
October 9, 1999 Spielberg Makes News! Must be a slow news week...
September 25, 1999  Felt Up by Diana Ross! Framed Up by the LAPD! And Fed Up by Media Minorities!
September 18, 1999  EXCLUSIVE! O.J. Simpson Bares All!
August 28, 1999   Reno Blows Denial! George W. Denies Blow!
August 14, 1999   Duchovny cries conspiracy & Buford goes ballistic!
August 7, 1999 Sex & The Baby-Sitter!
May 15, 1999 A special This Century In Crime, Millenial Minute!
May 8, 1999 Reagan goes to Jail, Moses goes to bat & Lolita goes home!
May 1, 1999 Littleton, Fabio and the Cola Wars play the race card!
April 24, 1999 Special Breaking News! Littleton Shootings.