that's Brad...

THIS WEEK IN CRIME

by Brad Friedman

October 16, 1999 -

Well, it was another big week, This Week in Crime…

Well, not really…

Though you wouldn't know that if you listened to the Major Media spinning non-stories and made-up stuff into shocking and sensationalized headlines!

Among the fluff parading as Crime News this week; The stunning news that after reviewing over 30,000 pieces of evidence, a grand jury in Colorado has no idea who might have murdered the adorable little JonBenet Ramsey. We have no idea either -- What a mystery! But you don't see us leading our column with it, do you?

We're also not reporting that Nicolas Cage was in a car accident on Thursday in which neither he, nor the driver of the car he hit were injured in any way. He was not drinking, not doing drugs and not driving irresponsibly…His toupe was also not injured… And yet, this sensationalized non-story was the lead of many a newscast on Thursday night.

But alas, where are the real stories? Well, at This Week In Crime we've got your real stories right here…And, as usual, we don't need to sensationalize a thing…

Girls! Girls! Girls!Girls! Girls! Girls!Girls! Girls! Girls!

As the days count down to the turn of the Millenium, rogues and ne'er-do-wells have already found a way to spin their criminal misdoings even before Y2K hits and all the power goes down and riots and destruction ensue and threaten to destroy the very world as we know it…But where are the calm and sensible warnings in the rest of the media?

In Hong Kong, a woman paid more than $15,000 to a couple of scurrilous miscreants for a bottle of pills that, they promised, would cure the "Y2K Bug"! This is of course, preposterous…There is no pill that can cure the "Y2K Bug"…Everyone knows that the only cure is an expensive and painful series of anti-biotic shots directly to the rectum… And believe me, I personally am well prepared!… But where is the coverage?

Even here in an earthquake shaken Los Angeles, the citizenry speaks of little more than the approaching hour of doom. This is clearly a frightened populace looking for -- nay -- demanding answers!

Answers that This Week In Crime --delivers! Honestly, straight-forwardly and without all the hype.

And so, what better way now to examine the near future, than by remembering it as the recent past… Here to help us with that is This Week In Crime's Cyber-Expert and Correspondent From the Future, Automatic Jack!

Cool Special Effects!
Paging Jack! Paging Automatic Jack! Come in Jack!
It's Automatic Jack!!!
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Brad Friedman! Hello, Mr. Jack…Thank you for joining us to report from some 30 or 40 years into the future…That's quite a…uh, thing…behind you there…what is it, a giant Japanese trash-compactor?
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It's pretty much your workaday Ono-Sendai VII Matrix Simulator Deck….With a few modifications.

Automatic Jack! CyberExpert & Correspondent from the Future!
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Brad Friedman! I'm sorry?…It's a what?

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A mimentic weapon really…Brad…Designed to absorb local color and present itself as a crash-priority override to whatever security system it encountered.

Automatic Jack! CyberExpert & Correspondent from the Future!
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Brad Friedman! Okay…Uh…Mr. Jack, as you well know, back here in the 20th century, we're but a scant 76 days now from the hour of doom. There is much concern among the populous about what may happen when the clock strikes Midnight on December 31st, and if the computers that run the world will crash and riots, destruction and devastation will follow….Can you tell us, sir, from where you sit…did that, in fact, happen?
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Chrome's castle is dissolving, sheets of Ice shadow flickering and fading, eaten by the glitch systems that spin out from the Russian program, tumbling away from our central logic thrust and infecting the fabric of the Ice itself…

Automatic Jack! CyberExpert & Correspondent from the Future!
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Brad Friedman! Um…Mr. Automatic, I gotta be honest with you…I have no idea what the hell you're talking about…
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Automatic Jack! CyberExpert & Correspondent from the Future!
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Brad Friedman! Um…Should the citizens of this great land prepare for a disruption this New Year's Eve or… not?
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Basically…you guys are fucked.

Automatic Jack! CyberExpert & Correspondent from the Future!
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Brad Friedman! Wow! Thank you, George…
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Jack!

Automatic Jack! CyberExpert & Correspondent from the Future!
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Brad Friedman! Wow…

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President Cage wore a toupee?

Automatic Jack! CyberExpert & Correspondent from the Future!
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Brad Friedman! Thank you, CyberExpert and Correspondent from the Future, Automatic John!

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Yeah, w
hatever...

Automatic Jack! CyberExpert & Correspondent from the Future!

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** A THIS WEEK IN CRIME EXCLUSIVE!!! **
Y2K IS COMING!
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Well you heard it here first folks! Even on a slow news week! Crime News you can use, without all the sensationalism and…made-up stuff.

…And that's this week's, This Week In Crime...


Previously in 
"CRIME SCENE 2000: The Race To the Whitehouse"
 
and
"
THIS WEEK IN CRIME"


May 2, 2001   Timothy McVeigh must die, die, die! Quick! Hurry! Now! Die!
March 11, 2000 EXCLUSIVE VIDEO! CS2K Takes to the Polls on Super Tuesday!
March 4, 2000 EXCLUSIVE AUDIO! Pat Robertson vs John McCain in..."The Battle of the Voter Alerts!"
February 26, 2000 George W. in his own words!
February 19, 2000
(not yet available)
South Carolina Primary Results! And a visit from The President of the United States!!!
February 12, 2000 EXCLUSIVE Interview with the Reclusive John McCain!
December 18, 1999   FINAL TWIC OF THE MILLENIUM! AND THE MOST SHOCKING EVER!!!
December 4, 1999   The Battle for Seattle!
October 30, 1999  A Gorey Halloween Special! Caught on tape!
October 16, 1999 Y2K!!! Without the Hype!!! Read it now!!! NOW!!!
October 9, 1999 Spielberg Makes News! Must be a slow news week...
September 25, 1999  Felt Up by Diana Ross! Framed Up by the LAPD! And Fed Up by Media Minorities!
September 18, 1999  EXCLUSIVE! O.J. Simpson Bares All!
August 28, 1999   Reno Blows Denial! George W. Denies Blow!
August 14, 1999   Duchovny cries conspiracy & Buford goes ballistic!
August 7, 1999 Sex & The Baby-Sitter!
May 15, 1999 A special This Century In Crime, Millenial Minute!
May 8, 1999 Reagan goes to Jail, Moses goes to bat & Lolita goes home!
May 1, 1999 Littleton, Fabio and the Cola Wars play the race card!
April 24, 1999 Special Breaking News! Littleton Shootings.