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THIS WEEK IN CRIME

by Brad Friedman

SPECIAL BREAKING NEWS EDITION...

April 24, 1999 -
Well, it was another big week, This Week in Crime, as the big story was, of course, the Colorado School Shootings. Now, we don't think there's anything particularly funny about School Shootings… Even in Colorado… Though Colorado itself is pretty funny. That joke about "How's your Aspen?"… That's pretty funny…Also, they've got various Anti-Gay laws in Colorado. This seems to offend people. Mostly gay people, and they're always funny…And as well, they've got the Colorado Rockies baseball team, which is definitely very very funny…

Anyway, while we in no way condone Mass Murder…or specifically what happened in Colorado this week, we do - as always - take special note of the important fashion trends…and what it may mean to you…the struggling yet sporty 30-ish Hollywood wannabee…trying to make your way in an 18-year-old-centric entertainment industry.

As you know by now, the Colorado shooters were members of the so-called Trenchcoat Mafia, who - purportedly - sported long black trenchcoats…no matter what the season!…Yes, both before and after Memorial Day!…

Now we're not sure what statement they were making with such daring non-comformist outerwear, but it's a statement we'll not soon forget.

Therefore, and with that in mind, we've decided to start our own radical group of outsiders…We will be called the Wool Sportcoat Bandits…We will be against anybody who goes to step or tai-bo classess…men who wear tee-shirts that are too tight (this hatred does not apply to women)…and/or anyone who watches Party of Five with any regularity…We realize that it's a somewhat random hatred…but none the less, we are in a society defined by hatred, so we must have our own…

We, the fearsome Wool Sportcoat Bandits, may or may not decide to go on a gun-toting rampage…but either way, we'll look good and won't have to worry about being one-upped by any teenaged, addle-brained, punk, anarchic, non-jock, non-hat-wearing, Leo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries wanna-bees… stealing our holy thunder and our God-given right to play 18 to 25 year olds in film and television way into our 30's the way it used to be before everybody figured out they could use actual 18 to 25 year olds to play these parts…

As a matter of fact, let's hate those people as well. Those 18 to 25 year olds who are taking our parts and the Casting Directors and Producers that allow them to do so…

They will quake with fear…And they will think twice next year before filling all the pilots with teenaged pip-squeaks who've never had any formal acting training other than practicing how to not look stoned when they come home Friday Nights and have to walk past their parents bedrooms…

That is, if their parents are even at home, what with all the running back and forth to the Guns & Ammo store they have to do…in order to keep a well-stocked supply of AK-47's and sawed-off shotguns around the house so that they'll be able to keep up with the never-ending demands of yet another crucial Jackass Hunting season…

Not that I'd ever blame the parents for keeping guns in the house and available for their kids to steal the next time they get turned down for the Junior Varsity Asshole Team…No…A kid can get a gun anywhere in this country because our sacred 2nd Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms…so that we may be vigilant in assuring our government doesn't over-throw it's own citizens any day now… in it's obvious quest for a One World Government…

Those sawed-off shotguns and Saturday Night Specials will be especially useful in protecting against a military onslaught of Armored Tanks and Nuclear Weaponry...

We've got nothing to fear as long as we keep granddad's pearl handled pistol loaded-up and ready for action in the bedside nightstand…

But I digress…

Just remember to wear your Wool Sportcoat proudly…so you'll be ready and able to shmooze - but this time - with the chutzpah of an embittered, yet possibly-gun-toting member of a radical hate group! We must hate and hate and hate. And I don't mean just hate yourself - no, that's too easy in this town! Hate everybody!…Hate everybody…and look good and feel good doing it!

And that's this week's THIS WEEK IN CRIME…


Previously in 
"CRIME SCENE 2000: The Race To the Whitehouse"
 
and
"
THIS WEEK IN CRIME"


May 2, 2001   Timothy McVeigh must die, die, die! Quick! Hurry! Now! Die!
March 11, 2000 EXCLUSIVE VIDEO! CS2K Takes to the Polls on Super Tuesday!
March 4, 2000 EXCLUSIVE AUDIO! Pat Robertson vs John McCain in..."The Battle of the Voter Alerts!"
February 26, 2000 George W. in his own words!
February 19, 2000
(not yet available)
South Carolina Primary Results! And a visit from The President of the United States!!!
February 12, 2000 EXCLUSIVE Interview with the Reclusive John McCain!
December 18, 1999   FINAL TWIC OF THE MILLENIUM! AND THE MOST SHOCKING EVER!!!
December 4, 1999   The Battle for Seattle!
October 30, 1999  A Gorey Halloween Special! Caught on tape!
October 16, 1999 Y2K!!! Without the Hype!!! Read it now!!! NOW!!!
October 9, 1999 Spielberg Makes News! Must be a slow news week...
September 25, 1999  Felt Up by Diana Ross! Framed Up by the LAPD! And Fed Up by Media Minorities!
September 18, 1999  EXCLUSIVE! O.J. Simpson Bares All!
August 28, 1999   Reno Blows Denial! George W. Denies Blow!
August 14, 1999   Duchovny cries conspiracy & Buford goes ballistic!
August 7, 1999 Sex & The Baby-Sitter!
May 15, 1999 A special This Century In Crime, Millenial Minute!
May 8, 1999 Reagan goes to Jail, Moses goes to bat & Lolita goes home!
May 1, 1999 Littleton, Fabio and the Cola Wars play the race card!
April 24, 1999 Special Breaking News! Littleton Shootings.