August 28, 1999 - Well, it was another big week, This Week in Crime… Though remarkably we've gone an entire week without a mass shooting spree in this country…That, in itself, is a stunning milestone, but it's lead to a quiet week around here for both me and the entire This Week In Crime staff. Unfortunately, the biggest crime news this week is a vaguely new twist in the stultifyingly dull, six year old story of the "Standoff at Waco". Yes, another mind-numbing morsel for conspiracy theorists and angry white men has surfaced to suggest that there may have been military-style pyrotechnic tear gas canisters used during the siege at the Branch-Davidian compound. These canisters may have sparked the tragic fire that killed 81 innocent members of the sect who were just sitting around and "minding their own business." This of course, has given Right-Wing Talk Radio yet another two days of relentless ranting on the evils of the insidiously, satanic, Mistress of Doom, United States Attorney General, Janet Reno…And man am I bored of that…
The lady has only a year left in office for Christ sake…can't every one just get off her wrinkly old, hunched-over back? The lady is no looker - granted. On a recent trip to Tonga a cannibal took one look at her and decided to order the salad…but surely I'm not the only one in America who's had it up to here with blaming everything that's ever gone wrong in this entire world on Attorney General, Janet Reno?…Am I? I say enough with the politics of hatred and personal destruction…Let's talk about something else… Well, it turns out that George W. Bush, is a Snow-Snortin' Crack Hoe! As the GOP's Anointed One was quick to point out, however, questions about his cocaine use were based solely on rumor and innuendo without a single allegation or even the tiniest crystal of evidence. After This Week In Crime's blow-by-blow investigation of the story, we have concluded that Mr. Bush is correct and this sort of crass character assassination by the Liberal Media, is both irresponsible and inexcusable.
None the less, "Powder Monkey" George W., stood firm in the face of repeated questioning and -- taking a page from his father George Sr. -- drew a line on the table…uh…in the sand…when it came to questions about his reckless and felonious past. And here at, This Week In Crime, we say; Bravo! We're happy to see a politician take a stand and avoid the tell-tale traps and perilous pitfalls of the despicable gotcha politics being played out in the 90's by the Liberal Left. As Rush Limbaugh adroitly pointed out this week, the press has given Bill Clinton a - quote - "free ride for 8 years" - unquote…We agree, and therefore, it simply doesn't matter, whether it was seven, or fifteen or twenty-five years ago that George "Eightball" Bush was suckin' up nose-candy like it was goin' outta style. There is no place in politics or in the press for that sort of undignified rhetoric and rumor mongering…and here at This Week In Crime, we won't be a part of it. Our only hope is, come November 2000, after the final votes are tallied, that this entire filthy episode doesn't end with George W. Bush losing his bid for the Presidency…by a nose… And that's this week's, This Week In Crime...
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EXCLUSIVE AUDIO! Pat Robertson vs
John McCain in..."The Battle of the Voter Alerts!"