that's Brad...


by Brad Friedman

December 4, 1999 -

Well, it was another big week, This Week in Crime…

But yet there's just one chilling phrase on the lips of every American this week, and that chilling phrase is "Battle in Seattle"…

Protestors in Seattle had a gas this week as Trade Representatives from the WTO blew into town for a friendly little conference on how they plan to further their grip on complete and total world domination through the use of cheap designer knock-offs at Kmart and genetically altered food at McDonalds.

Funny, but I thought it was just that genetic altering that gave the Big Mac the inimitable McFlavor that keeps on giving even hours after consumption.

But, no, say the marching lefties! Enough is enough! This is the "WTO Smackdown"!

In this corner, - Madeleine "The Mauler" Albright and her Diplomatic Devastators! And they're ready to negotiate! But oh, no! It looks like the Free Tibetan Titans have her cornered! And they're not even letting her out of her own limo! Youch, that's gotta smart! Body slam to Madelaine "The Mauler"!

Uh, oh…look out Tibetan Titans! The Sea Turtle Terminators aren't happy one bit! Eeewww, they've crushed the Titans with an atomic knee drop to their Tibetan Testies! Ladies and gentleman this "WTO Smackdown" has turned into a Knockdown at Niketown!… But lookout! Do I see…do I see…oh, my god…my, god…It's the ACLU Bruisers, and those Teamster Boyz wanna piece of the action! And it looks like they've got none other than Jimmy "The Heffer" Hoffa at the helm…so you know these boyz mean trouble!

But look out! Oh, my god! Say it isn't so! SAY IT ISN'T SO! Here comes Rush Limbaugh and the Right Wing Rebels! Holy Cow! These right wingers look pissed! But they always look pissed, so it's hard to tell exactly what they…uh, oh, they're heading straight for the entire crowd of commie bastards! This may be Judgement Day at the JC Penny's!…But wait, wait just a second…hang on to your riot helmets…Rush and the Right Wingers hate the WTO even more than the Pinko's do! How can they crush the Tree Hugging Commies if the Tree Hugging Commies are going after they're own mortal enemies in One World Global Trade?!! What's Rush gonna do? Who does he go after?…What's he gonna do? He's gonna punt! Rush takes the rest of the week off!!! Waytago Rush! Live to fight another day…

Well, folks, it's Mayhem at the Macy's! A Riot at the Radio Shack!!! A Battle Royale at the Banana Republic!

This has turned into an all out TradePolicyPalooza! A fight to the finish for the hearts and minds of…A deathmatch showdown…A blowout brawling bonanza for…supreme…for control of…for…I have NO IDEA!! I have no idea what is going on here!!! Good god! There's teargas at the Target store and Rubber Bullets at Rite-Aid and I have no idea why everyone is so fucking angry!?! Can we please get back to pre-empting Oprah for live police chases where they shoot somebody in the fucking head on live TV at the end?! PLUS, can we please get some more Pokémon coverage?! That's what I'm payin' my cable bill for! And that's what I expect from Television News…And, by the way, is it just me? But just what the hell is the WTO anyway?!

…And that's this week's, This Week In Crime...

Previously in 
"CRIME SCENE 2000: The Race To the Whitehouse"

· May 2, 2001   Timothy McVeigh must die, die, die! Quick! Hurry! Now! Die!
· March 11, 2000 EXCLUSIVE VIDEO! CS2K Takes to the Polls on Super Tuesday!
· March 4, 2000 EXCLUSIVE AUDIO! Pat Robertson vs John McCain in..."The Battle of the Voter Alerts!"
· February 26, 2000 George W. in his own words!
· February 19, 2000
(not yet available)
South Carolina Primary Results! And a visit from The President of the United States!!!
· February 12, 2000 EXCLUSIVE Interview with the Reclusive John McCain!
· December 4, 1999   The Battle for Seattle!
· October 30, 1999  A Gorey Halloween Special! Caught on tape!
· October 16, 1999 Y2K!!! Without the Hype!!! Read it now!!! NOW!!!
· October 9, 1999 Spielberg Makes News! Must be a slow news week...
· September 25, 1999  Felt Up by Diana Ross! Framed Up by the LAPD! And Fed Up by Media Minorities!
· September 18, 1999  EXCLUSIVE! O.J. Simpson Bares All!
· August 28, 1999   Reno Blows Denial! George W. Denies Blow!
· August 14, 1999   Duchovny cries conspiracy & Buford goes ballistic!
· August 7, 1999 Sex & The Baby-Sitter!
· May 15, 1999 A special This Century In Crime, Millenial Minute!
· May 8, 1999 Reagan goes to Jail, Moses goes to bat & Lolita goes home!
· May 1, 1999 Littleton, Fabio and the Cola Wars play the race card!
· April 24, 1999 Special Breaking News! Littleton Shootings.