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THIS WEEK IN CRIME

by Brad Friedman

May 1, 1999 - Well, it was another big week, This Week in Crime…but bad news is good news for the nations All-News Cable Networks…all of whom were basking this week in the glorious after-glow of death…following the shootings at Colombine High and the persistent NATO bombing of innocent buildings in Yugoslavia…All three networks issued press-releases this week, crowing proudly about the huge increase in viewership in the wake of these human tragedies…proving once again that -- for the American Media-- No News is Bad News…

By now Americans have been flogged into near submission by CNN's contining coverage of "Massacre in the Mountains"…or perhaps it's MSNBC's "Rampage in the Rockies"…or even the always "Fair and Balanced" FOX News Network's…coverage of "Degenerate Children of Liberal Ex-Hippies Destroy the Lives of God-Fearing Conservative Americans in Anytown U.S.A."

The shootings proved to be a merciful relief for the Cable Crime Beat Reporters…who were weary from the long months of covering the other, very very important Colorado Murder story…that of the adorable little Jean Benet Ramsey…You may recall that horrible slaying which gripped the nation non-stop, in what was called at the time "a merciful relief from the O.J. Simpson Murder Story"…

The nation, meanwhile this week, has collectively begun to narrow down the suspects on whom they might pin The Blame for this week's tragedy at Littleton…The short-list has finally been whittled down to either…The Parents, the Girlfriend, the Mafia Friends, the School Administration, the SWAT Team, the Juvenile Detention System, the Sheriff's Office, the Marine Corps (with it's too-difficult-to-pass entrance policies)…the Psychologist, the Internet, the Film & Television Industry, the Video Game Industry, the Self-Esteem Liberals, or the Gun-Loving Conservatives, or the Lack of Gun Laws, or the Lack of Enforcement of those Laws…Or Marliyn Manson.

But there's one person who has yet to be named in the National Spastic Knee-Jerk-a-thon currently searching for a target at whom they may point their bony and not-guilty-at-all finger…and that person…is Funny-Man, Buddy Hackett…The handsome comedian and Vegas Perennial…did nothing…I repeat nothing…on that fateful day to help anyone at Colombine High…Buddy, or Boobie-face, as his friends call him…is also…a Jewthat oughta tell you something…

Handsome face hides incidous plan?

MEMO TO MR. AND MRS. AMERICA: Before you go pointing the blame at anyone…perhaps you should have a little chat…with our friend, Buddy Hackett…

In other National Crime this week, FBI sources continue to comb the woods of rough mountain terrain in South Carolina where, authorities say, they may finally be closing in on the suspected assailant who has, for so long now, alluded them. That assailant is, of course…the Goose that ran into Fabio's face…

As you know by now, the handsome model-cum-entrepreneur…was viciously attacked on a roller coaster at a theme park some weeks ago by the Ferocious Fowl who, has since, wrought a swath of terror from Knotts Berry Farm to Florida's MGM Theme Park…

POW! Right in the kisser!

Just last week hearthrob-saxophonist, Kenny G was brutally pecked by the Gruesome Goose on Disneyworld's Mad Tea Party Ride…and supermodel-cum-Yeast Infection Spokesman, Kim Alexis…was mercifully only grazed earlier this week in a similar attack on the Vagine-O-Flume…during opening day festivities at the Vagisil Adventures Warm Water Theme Park… in Germination City, Iowa.

More on this wild goose chase…as it develops…

And finally, in Corporate Crime this week…Former and current black employees of the Coca-Cola Co. are suing the Beverage Behemoth … alleging discrimination and racist hiring policies.

Company Attorneys are still reviewing the suit, but Coke Chairman and CEO, M. Douglas Ivester (not a Jew), was interviewed at lunch on Thursday at an Atlanta Area Denny's…where he said that, quote - "Discrimination at Coca-Cola is not tolerated." - unquote.

The Real Thing?

None the less, officials at Coke have agreed to temporarily delay the introduction of several new beverage lines previously set to launch this summer, including all six varieties of their planned Jigaboo Juicers line…as well as the much anticipated Darkie Pop.

Also, Company Officials have decided to cancel an upcoming promotional blitz, which was set to target minority consumers, and which featured the catchy new tag line…Have a Coke…You Stinking Black Bastards

And that's this week's This Week In Crime


Previously in 
"CRIME SCENE 2000: The Race To the Whitehouse"
 
and
"
THIS WEEK IN CRIME"


May 2, 2001   Timothy McVeigh must die, die, die! Quick! Hurry! Now! Die!
March 11, 2000 EXCLUSIVE VIDEO! CS2K Takes to the Polls on Super Tuesday!
March 4, 2000 EXCLUSIVE AUDIO! Pat Robertson vs John McCain in..."The Battle of the Voter Alerts!"
February 26, 2000 George W. in his own words!
February 19, 2000
(not yet available)
South Carolina Primary Results! And a visit from The President of the United States!!!
February 12, 2000 EXCLUSIVE Interview with the Reclusive John McCain!
December 18, 1999   FINAL TWIC OF THE MILLENIUM! AND THE MOST SHOCKING EVER!!!
December 4, 1999   The Battle for Seattle!
October 30, 1999  A Gorey Halloween Special! Caught on tape!
October 16, 1999 Y2K!!! Without the Hype!!! Read it now!!! NOW!!!
October 9, 1999 Spielberg Makes News! Must be a slow news week...
September 25, 1999  Felt Up by Diana Ross! Framed Up by the LAPD! And Fed Up by Media Minorities!
September 18, 1999  EXCLUSIVE! O.J. Simpson Bares All!
August 28, 1999   Reno Blows Denial! George W. Denies Blow!
August 14, 1999   Duchovny cries conspiracy & Buford goes ballistic!
August 7, 1999 Sex & The Baby-Sitter!
May 15, 1999 A special This Century In Crime, Millenial Minute!
May 8, 1999 Reagan goes to Jail, Moses goes to bat & Lolita goes home!
May 1, 1999 Littleton, Fabio and the Cola Wars play the race card!
April 24, 1999 Special Breaking News! Littleton Shootings.