May 1, 1999 - Well, it was another big week, This Week in Crime but bad news is good news for the nations All-News Cable Networks all of whom were basking this week in the glorious after-glow of death following the shootings at Colombine High and the persistent NATO bombing of innocent buildings in Yugoslavia All three networks issued press-releases this week, crowing proudly about the huge increase in viewership in the wake of these human tragedies proving once again that -- for the American Media-- No News is Bad News
By now Americans have been flogged into near submission by CNN's contining coverage of "Massacre in the Mountains" or perhaps it's MSNBC's "Rampage in the Rockies" or even the always "Fair and Balanced" FOX News Network's coverage of "Degenerate Children of Liberal Ex-Hippies Destroy the Lives of God-Fearing Conservative Americans in Anytown U.S.A."
The shootings proved to be a merciful relief for the Cable Crime Beat Reporters who were weary from the long months of covering the other, very very important Colorado Murder story that of the adorable little Jean Benet Ramsey You may recall that horrible slaying which gripped the nation non-stop, in what was called at the time "a merciful relief from the O.J. Simpson Murder Story"
The nation, meanwhile this week, has collectively begun to narrow down the suspects on whom they might pin The Blame for this week's tragedy at Littleton The short-list has finally been whittled down to either The Parents, the Girlfriend, the Mafia Friends, the School Administration, the SWAT Team, the Juvenile Detention System, the Sheriff's Office, the Marine Corps (with it's too-difficult-to-pass entrance policies) the Psychologist, the Internet, the Film & Television Industry, the Video Game Industry, the Self-Esteem Liberals, or the Gun-Loving Conservatives, or the Lack of Gun Laws, or the Lack of Enforcement of those Laws Or Marliyn Manson.
But there's one person who has yet to be named in the National Spastic Knee-Jerk-a-thon currently searching for a target at whom they may point their bony and not-guilty-at-all finger and that person is Funny-Man, Buddy Hackett The handsome comedian and Vegas Perennial did nothing I repeat nothing on that fateful day to help anyone at Colombine High Buddy, or Boobie-face, as his friends call him is also a Jew that oughta tell you something
MEMO TO MR. AND MRS. AMERICA: Before you go pointing the blame at anyone perhaps you should have a little chat with our friend, Buddy Hackett
In other National Crime this week, FBI sources continue to comb the woods of rough mountain terrain in South Carolina where, authorities say, they may finally be closing in on the suspected assailant who has, for so long now, alluded them. That assailant is, of course the Goose that ran into Fabio's face
As you know by now, the handsome model-cum-entrepreneur was viciously attacked on a roller coaster at a theme park some weeks ago by the Ferocious Fowl who, has since, wrought a swath of terror from Knotts Berry Farm to Florida's MGM Theme Park
Just last week hearthrob-saxophonist, Kenny G was brutally pecked by the Gruesome Goose on Disneyworld's Mad Tea Party Ride and supermodel-cum-Yeast Infection Spokesman, Kim Alexis was mercifully only grazed earlier this week in a similar attack on the Vagine-O-Flume during opening day festivities at the Vagisil Adventures Warm Water Theme Park in Germination City, Iowa.
More on this wild goose chase as it develops
And finally, in Corporate Crime this week Former and current black employees of the Coca-Cola Co. are suing the Beverage Behemoth alleging discrimination and racist hiring policies.
Company Attorneys are still reviewing the suit, but Coke Chairman and CEO, M. Douglas Ivester (not a Jew), was interviewed at lunch on Thursday at an Atlanta Area Denny's where he said that, quote - "Discrimination at Coca-Cola is not tolerated." - unquote.
None the less, officials at Coke have agreed to temporarily delay the introduction of several new beverage lines previously set to launch this summer, including all six varieties of their planned Jigaboo Juicers line as well as the much anticipated Darkie Pop.
Also, Company Officials have decided to cancel an upcoming promotional blitz, which was set to target minority consumers, and which featured the catchy new tag line Have a Coke You Stinking Black Bastards
And that's this week's This Week In Crime